By Kristin Wilson
Written February 18, 2018
This is for all my fellow fragile White women sisters. I know fragility, and I know it well. As a White woman I grew up and live(d) in a particular set of circumstances that lead to a particular behavior of fragility that is unique to White women. Yes this is a generalization, it is a pattern of behaviors and circumstances that lead to a pattern of behaviors by a group of people of a particular demographic, and yes there are always outliers.
As my friend Allison teaches in the Resiliency Tools training which I recently attended, there are real tigers (threats to our lives) and there are paper tigers (perceived threats that are not an actual danger to our lives). Our reptilian brain senses danger (real or perceived) and goes into fight or flight response (avoid, remove oneself from the situation, or become defensive and fight back to remove the threat). The place where we find strength and ability to change the circumstance is to learn to bring the frontal lobe of the brain (the part of the brain that takes in information, synthesizes that information, and makes a thoughtful decision of how to act) back online to stay present without disappearing or fighting back, and keeping our limbic system engaged to provide our feelings as factors considered in the decision making process. It is important that our emotions don’t rule our decision making process, or we may never overcome and change the circumstances. We need all aspects of our brain online and working together in order build the strength and endurance required to change the Heteropatriarchal White Supremacy Culture that has been destroying us for centuries.
As White women, our physical lives are usually not in danger based on the color of our skin, but our brothers and sisters of color lives are at stake, and therefore humanity is at stake. To truly understand this and be able to change this within our small or big sphere’s of influence… with our children, our family members, our friends, our communities, our “followers” on social media and in our work and places of business… we must face the places related to White Supremacy Culture that society has taught us to not face, not accept, and not allow.
In the culture of many people of color, there is a tolerance and a strength to being held accountable no matter how it comes out. There is a strength that has been developed out of first survival and then in order to thrive beyond survival to facing cruelty, unkindness, intolerance, and injustice. Whether there be name calling, unkindness, yelling, confrontation of many sorts, people of color have developed the strength to stand strong in the face of these conditions and build a strong sense of self in relationship to the whole, the collective.
So here’s the thing, we White women who say we stand for equality, social justice, anti-racism, have also been the one’s that as soon the conversation feels unkind, uncomfortable, emotionally “threatening” we either remove ourselves or use tactics like gaslighting to shut down the conversation with defensiveness. This is in and of itself divisive, and separates ourselves from the collective. If we are to really stand for equality, justice, truth freedom, and love, one important step in this journey is to be willing to stand in the fire with our brothers and sisters of color, and that fire involves anger, rage, verbal attacks from every angle in whatever form it comes out because racism is ugly, unkind, cruel, and beyond uncomfortable. White Supremacy Culture kills and ends the lives of people of color and kills the spirit and humanity of White folks. I believe the fight for our humanity begins in the capacity to stand in the fire, to burn away the paper tigers and not allow them to phase us, so we can face the real tigers.
Once we lay down the weapons of White privilege, the fight against or the avoidance of the discomfort or even our righteousness of what is acceptable or not acceptable in how we are treated or spoken to, once we truly stand in the line of fire, walk the fire, it is here where we find our strength, our truth, our self love, our collective love. May we build the strength it requires to stand for truth, stand for justice, stand with the collective for freedom and the right to life, the right to live without our children being attacked. Choose the discomfort. Choose to listen to people of color. Choose to believe people of color. Choose humility. Choose humanity.
When it comes to White Supremacy Culture, people of color are the experts and we have a lot of catching up to do. Remember, we are full of weapons of Whiteness, and we don’t even know we have weapons due to the blindspots strategically created by White Supremacy Culture. You may be asked to lay down the very tools that you believe are the answer to the problems. You may be asked to step into situations you believe are “unsafe”. Like I said, you may be called names, told you are fragile, weak, dangerous, the problem, etc. There is even a point when tools like Non-Violent Communication are tools used to perpetuate White Supremacy Culture when used to tell someone they must communicate in a particular way, a controlled way. There is a point that prayer and thoughts are tools to bypass action needed. I’m not saying prayers and Non-Violent Communication are bad. I live by prayer, prayer and action for the greatest good of all. I use Non-Violent Communication skills and I stretch well beyond those tools to be malleable to what is needed or asked of me in varying circumstances. I’m saying they can be used in a manner that can cause further harm when they are used to further support and perpetuate White Supremacy Culture. When we use prayer to benefit ourselves at the expense of others, or we use these skills and tools to stay in control and direct a situation in a way we see fit, or we use prayer to avoid action needed to change the situation, then we are perpetuating White Supremacy Culture. I/we don’t always know what’s best and what’s needed. We definitely have a lot to learn when it comes to White Supremacy Culture and racism.
Let’s face the paper tigers so we can stand together to take down the real tigers. If you/we choose not to face the paper tigers, then we continue to be the real tigers in this society of White Supremacy Culture that is killing our brothers and sisters of color. Learn your/our blindspots from those who can see them and hold you/us accountable. Believe people of color when they take their valuable time to tell you/us how you/us are causing harm and using a weapon of Whiteness. Lay down your weapons and learn new ways of showing up in the world without those weapons. This requires changing deeply grooved neural network patterns, so it won’t be easy, and we must do it anyways. It feels risky, but the alternative is to continue to be exactly that which we most hate… the oppressor, the conqueror, the colonizer.
Oh, and by the way, lay down your desire to be special. Release any wiring that was put in your head about having to be special, better than, needed in a way that is special, different, better, or more than anyone or everyone else. Lay it down. It’s divisive as well. May we learn what it means to truly be part of the collective, the whole, Mother Earth and all our relations. May we remember how to be interdependent, cooperative, and move together toward co-liberation!
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