Fox Portal & Co-dependence
Today is 7/7/2024, which is considered the 7/7 portal. It’s when a portal of energy between the Sun and Sirius makes it’s way to the Earth to support our growth and evolution. I woke up at the first light of dawn and heard a fox calling out. A panicked fox call like a yelp. It’s like the fox’s version of a bark, but sounds more like a baby’s scream. I went outside and saw a small red fox, a kit. He seemed young and scared. He called and called sitting out in the open in the yard across from ours. He did not see me. The kit seemed scared and on edge. I stood still and watched. The fox started running toward me and then came down to the road and was about 25 feet from me. He was beautiful. I felt his angst. He was skittish. He finally turned and ran back up into the woods, up the driveway directly across from where I was standing, and continued the yelping for another 20 minutes.
If I speak accurate fox language, then I’m sure the fox was separated from his family, and was desperately calling out to them to reunite. We know we have a family of foxes around. Mama fox had at least 3 kits this spring. I imagine this was one of her kits. Now looking less than full grown, yet no longer like a baby. Maybe a child, almost teenager like age. He was definitely not ready to be separate from his family.
Eventually the yelping stopped, and it was like we could all relax and trust the fox family was reunited. At least this is the story I’m telling myself.
Even as adults, our need for family, community, place, belonging is strong and intense. I remember moments of panic when I was very young and didn’t know where my parents were. Whether we were in a large department store and I lost track of my mom, or I woke up in the middle of the night and thought my parents weren’t home. I went into a straight panic. This fox reminded me of that feeling. That feeling was truly based on survival needs. I was a small child and dependent on my caregiver to meet my needs.
There are times as an adult I’ve gone into a different types of panic when I felt I was losing someone very important to me. I’m referring to loss of a relationship, not loss through death. I have previously developed bonds with people that I depended on emotionally. When I perceived those individuals were not available to help meet my emotional needs, it felt like death. I would experience physical pains in my heart, and at times even felt like I wanted to die or disappear. I would wail uncontrollably sometimes for hours. My heart was broken, and I didn’t know if I could survive it at that time. The desperation to stay connected to that individual felt out of my control.
This type of bonding and dependence is what we refer to as co-dependence. In Co-dependence Anonymous (CoDA) we say the feeling of the need for “the other” has become out of our control and our lives have become unmanageable. In co-dependence we start to become dependent on others to meet our emotional needs in a manner that falsely fulfills what some refer to as a core wound. Some common messages of a wound at the taproot may include “I’m not enough or not good enough”; “I don’t matter or don’t exist”; “I’m bad”; or “I can’t love right”.
As adults, when we attach to someone before learning how to fulfill the needs that come from this wound at the taproot, then we are at risk of developing a need for that person to be the one that is fulfilling the emotional needs of that wound. When we do this it is like an endless vacuum of needing them. There is never healing or fulfillment when we seek connection with someone else to fulfill that need. We are the only person that can actually fulfill that need as an adult. When we use someone else to try to meet those needs, we begin to feel we cannot live without that person and may even feel like we want to be around them all the time. This does not make us bad or wrong in any way. It is just a way of letting us know it is essential for us to do the work to learn to tend to those old wounds ourselves, so we don’t put that on someone else. It’s not fair for anyone involved.
Healing from co-dependence is a form of reparenting oneself. It is a journey of learning to listen to the voice of the small one inside (the inner child), find out what that part needs, and then fulfill those needs for ourselves. It means constantly choosing to integrate activities that soothe the nervous system and send the message to the brain that you are safe, you are loved, you are good, and you got this. These activities can be as simple as burning incense or soaking up some sunshine to going for hikes or cooking up good meals for yourself. The list of how to soothe your nervous system throughout the day can be limitless. Take time with your pet. Take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds before slowing letting the breath out for at least 4 breaths. Take the time to make an ongoing list of all the things you can think of that are calming to your nervous system. Practice what is on your list multiple times everyday. Make these actions part of your new lifestyle. Once you integrate them into your life, practicing them when you are not amped up, then it will be much easier to access the ability to calm your own nervous system when it is triggered and amped up.
Seeing this fox panicking reminded me of the nervous system response that happens when someone is struggling with co-dependence. It is a painful and scary experience. The nervous system is functioning from the brainstem and limbic system/survival part of the brain. The prefrontal cortex shuts down, which is where we have critical thought processes and overall reasoning. The brain sends chemicals through your body that speed up your heart rate, breathing pace, slow digestion, and dilate pupils to let in more light and stimulation. This leads to hyper vigilance, brings on a feeling of high anxiety, and makes the sole focus to seek safety and relief whatever that means for you in the moment.
So even though as an adult you may be “safe” and very capable of meeting your own physical survival needs, the nervous system of someone actively co-dependent may go into a survival response when a perceived disconnection with that significant other occurs. You may feel scared and desperately seek connection to let you know you are not alone, you are enough, you matter, you are good, you deserve love, and/or you love well. Seeing the fox yelping for over 30 minutes, running around looking for his family in a panic and not even realizing I was standing right there, seeking connection and safety with his family is very similar to the response of someone in active co-dependence. It can feel like you are out of control, your thought process may seem illogical, and your nervous system amps up. This is when you know these are old patterns from old wounds that need some love, care, and attention. It is a sign to let you know it’s time to take a look at those old wounds, tend to those wounds, give them some love and attention.
There is no shame in having this experience. Know you are not alone in having this experience. You are not broken, even though you may feel broken. You can heal if you do the work. Know it is not the responsibility of the person you are with to meet your emotional needs that come from a wound, and you can ask them to be patient with you while you engage in your healing process. I recommend you do not do your healing alone. You can join a CoDA group, work with a therapist, or find others that understand co-dependence and can support you in your healing. Trustworthy friends can help you by providing clear honest reflections of what they see happening when you are not able to see clearly due to the trauma response that shuts down the prefrontal cortex.
I am a recovered co-dependent, currently in a healthy balanced relationship. Based on my personal and professional experience I can tell you that everyone’s healing journey is different and varies in time. For some it is years to recover. For others it is months. As you heal, your nervous system will get triggered less often. You will be able to recognize the difference between what is old harmful messaging that came from another wounded person to what is your new messaging that comes from your own love and care for yourself. You will set healthy boundaries, prioritize your needs, and not allow people close to you that do not love you well. You will build connections with people who lift your spirit, inspire you, and reflect and magnify how magnificent you really are. You will experience your own satisfaction and fulfillment in your life that is not dependent on another person. A significant other will only add to the joy and pleasure you already experience. You will feel stable, balanced, and fully in your power no matter who you are or are/not in relationship with. This is what healing looks like and feels like. Everyone deserves healing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing these symptoms of co-dependence and is seeking a therapist or coach, please contact me at kristin@SacredPathways.care to schedule a free consult.
Comments